


An Empty Vessel But A Full Heart

by Thewonderginger



Category: Iron Fist (TV), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Ward Meachum - Fandom
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Break Up, Descriptive sex acts, F/M, Gen, M/M, Melancholy, Other, Panic Attack, Sad, Smut, ace - Freeform, ace characters, ace!Ward, asexual Ward, asexual Ward Meachum, asexual discovery, biromantic, biromantic Ward meachum, biromantic asexual ward meachum, biromantic ward
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2018-11-13 11:13:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11183943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thewonderginger/pseuds/Thewonderginger
Summary: Ward Meachum doesn't understand why he feels the way he does.  His first time with his boyfriend doesn't go as well as he planned and his whole being is torn apart by the confusion.  Why doesn't he want to have sex?





	1. Up but Never In

**Author's Note:**

> This is a short story about Ward discovering he's asexual. There is smut in this first chapter (trigger warning) so if you want to skip it you can go to the dashed line in this chapter and get to the story part.

    Ward could honestly say that in this moment he was utterly happy.  His boyfriend placing kiss after kiss upon him as they lay on Ward's bed, Jesse on top between Ward's bent legs.  Ward grabbed Jesse’s hair with one hand while the other held onto his soft round back.  Jesse put a dark hand on the base of Ward's skull while his nubbed forearm draped the taller man's shoulder.  They laid there caressing each other, heads adjusting to the angles if their mouths, practically breathing in one another.  Jesse pulled his lips from Ward's, tracing his kisses down the latter law student's jaw and finally to the neck, Ward's favorite place.  Jesse’s lips pulled and sucked on the skin and Ward's breathing got ragged enjoying the fog in his head.  The tip of Jesse's wet tongue pushed on Ward's light skin right behind his ear causing the taller man to arch his back as he became aroused.

  “Ahaha, mmmm,” Ward moaned and Jesse smiled.

 “Are you ready for this?” Jesse whispered in his ear.

  “Y-yes, just,” Ward gasped, “just, please keep going”.

 “Okay,” Jesse giggled as he pulled his face back to Ward's, the kiss sensual and passionate.  He brought his hand down Ward's side, dragging his nails lightly down Ward's shirt.  Ward chuckled at the touch.  “Ticklish?” Jesse asked mischievously, his lips brushing Ward's.

  “Just keep going before I lose it,” Ward replied with closed eyes. He was getting hard and frustrated, his breathing heavy.

 “Okay, yeah,” Jesse responded.  “Let me just--”  He pushed himself off Ward’s body laying next to it instead.  They kept kissing lying side by side as Jesse slid his hand under Ward’s shirt, fingers tickling the belly underneath causing Ward to snicker and squirm.  The hand moved to Ward’s back and Ward liked it there most of all.  Jesse’s arm on his skin was warm and comforting, and combined with heavy kisses it was idyllic.  But Ward was ready for more, at least that’s what he told himself.

“Come on man,” he begged his partner.  “I’m good to go.”

 “Are you?”

 “Is this teasing?  Please don’t.”

 “Are you sure--”

 “PLEASE!”  Ward’s voice was almost panicked.  Jesse saw the seriousness in his eyes.

 “I’m sorry, hun,” he whispered.  “Let’s just get right to it then”.  Jesse returned to Ward’s neck, making the blood in the veins rush in heat.  Ward took calming breaths as he allowed Jesse to build him up again.  His hand behind Jesse grabbed at his large boyfriend’s shirt when the pleasure arose in his groin.  He was horny again.  That meant he was ready.  That’s what it meant.

 Jesse brought his hand to Ward’s jeans, fiddling with the waist band.  Ward concentrated on the fluttering pressure it put on his penis. The feeling was nice. Then the hand moved lower.  Ward breathed in.  Lower.  Ward breathed out with a stutter closing his eyes.  There.  Jesse’s hand was fiddling Ward’s crotch on top of his jeans, lightly, softly.  It made him buck a bit.

 “How’s that?” Jesse asked from Ward’s clavicle.

 “Mmhmm,” was all Ward could say.  He grabbed Jesse’s bicep to steady himself as the hand continued its work.  Jesse slowly applied more pressure as he stroked the bulge in Ward’s jeans.  Ward pressed his lips together and kept his eyes closed turning his head away from the scene and towards Jesse’s hair. He breathed in deeply through his nose, his heart rate increasing.

 “You like that?” Jesse asked.  Ward couldn’t make a sound but responded by moving his hand down Jesse’s arm.  Ward was hard and he knew Jesse could feel it with his fingers.  He let out a chuckle as he opened his mouth to breath and moved his head to rest on Jesse’s taking in the scent of his coarse curly hair.  This was his boyfriend, he told himself.  This was Jesse.  This is supposed to happen.  It's okay.  Its Jesse.

 Ward took in more and more deep breaths and felt Jesse’s hand reach for his inseam button.  Jesse’s thumb managed to get under the waistband, the knuckle touching Ward’s briefs just above his crotch.  His body started to tense up but Ward fought against it by grabbing Jesse’s shirt again and with his other hand pressing on Jesse’s forearm.  Jesse managed to get the button undone.  Ward held his breath and the moment seemed to last an eternity.  But Jesse finally put his hand under the waistband and as soon as Ward felt his boyfriend’s hand on his dick he sat up pulling the hand out of his pants.

 Jesse fell to the bed as Ward sat there stiff as a board staring at his own feet.  His jaw was clenched and his shoulders tensed up.

 “Ward, what’s wrong?” Jesse asked, propping himself on his elbow and touching Ward’s bicep.  Ward pulled away his arm and turned from Jesse as he sat up on the edge of the bed.

 “N-nothing,” Ward said immediately.  His left hand was a fist and his whole arm was shaking as he squeezed the edge of the mattress with the other.  He looked down taking in deep breaths through his nose.  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said.

 “No Ward,” Jesse stated sitting up on the bed.  “It's fine.  You’re just not ready yet.  It's okay”.  He slowly reached over putting his only hand softly on Ward’s back.  “Don’t force yourself for my sake”.

 Ward looked down shaking his head.  “I shouldn’t have to force myself after three months,” he complained in a trembling voice.

 “ _Only_ three months Ward,” Jesse chided.  “That's really not that long if you think about it”.

 “Don’t patronize me,” Ward barked.  

 “Ward look at me,” Jesse commanded.  Ward sat still.  Jesse scooted his way to sit on the edge of the bed next to Ward.  “Ward Meachum look at me!”  Ward reluctantly sat up and looked through wet eyes at his shorter brown eyed partner.  Jesse stared at him hard.  “Did you want me to keep going?”

 “Jesse,” Ward exclaimed.  “I love you, I want you, I--”.

 “DID YOU,” Jesse interrupted emphasizing every word, “want me to keep going?”

 Ward stared into Jesse’s eyes for a while and each second the brunette broke down a little more.  His lips pressed together and the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes cascaded down his cheeks.  His shoulders slumped and he shook his head.  “No,” he confessed.

 “I’m telling you right now,” Jesse ordered.  “Don’t push yourself for me.  Don’t push yourself for anyone.  It's okay.  I love you too”.

 Ward looked back at Jesse and then dropped his head in his hands sobbing.  “I’m sorry,” he cried falling into Jesse’s chest.  His boyfriend shushed him and draped his stump over Ward’s back, kissing the top of Ward’s head.

“You have nothing to be sorry about.  We’ll do this when you’re ready and only when you’re ready.  It took me longer than three months my first time”.  

 Ward let out an even louder sob and put his arms around Jesse’s fat middle, clinging onto his partner’s warm body, his face buried in Jesse’s soft chest.  Jesse put his hand on Ward’s back rubbing it consolingly as he rocked his boyfriend in his arms.

 “I must look like a fucking idiot to you,” Ward said muffled into Jesse’s shirt.

 “Absolutely not”.

 

\----------------------------

 

“What are you saying?” Ward asked, his insides cold.

“Ward, I’m sorry,” Jesse begged.  “I’m so, _so_ sorry.  But we’ve been drifting away for a while”.

“I haven’t!” Ward exclaimed moving closer to Jesse’s dorm room bed where Jesse was standing.  “I’ve been there for you. I’ve been the same”.

“That’s exactly it,” Jesse said holding his hands out.  “Exactly the same.  A full year and you still can’t touch me”.

“Oh don’t give me that shit,” Ward said throwing his hand.  “We touch all the time”!

“We make out,” Jesse stated. “We cuddle but nothing further.  I need further”.

Ward started panting.  “But, but we’re good.  We’re good for eachother,” he cried.  “I just, I need more time.  I just take a while.  You said that you took a while”.

“Not a year.  Don’t you trust me Ward? Don’t you love me?”

Ward bounded to him growling, “I’ve loved you since the beginning.  Don’t you ever say I don’t love you!”

“Then why can’t you touch me?” Jesse said through tears.  “Why don’t you trust me to touch you?  Why do you always stop us right when it's getting good?”

“I DON’T KNOW!” Ward shouted grabbing his hair and walking away from Jesse.  After a moment he turned around tears on his face.  “I don’t know Jesse.  I just,” he shook his head, “I just can’t.”

“But you can masturbate?” Jesse snapped.  “Isn’t that what you told me?  Your fantasies, how you touch yourself.  But when _I_ do it to you, _you_ . _Just. Can’t_ ”?

Ward shook his head looking away with an annoyed smile on his face.  He didn’t know how to explain it, mostly because he didn’t understand it himself.  He could masturbate himself to an orgasm.  He could think of Jesse and it would turn him on.  But Jesse being there himself, being present when he was aroused, his breath on Ward’s neck, his hand on Ward’s dick, everything in him just stopped at those moments.  

Jesse shook his head, tears streaming down his face.  “Are you disgusted with me? Do i disgust you?”

Ward turned his head sharply, a scowl on his face.  He knew what Jesse meant.  

“DON’T! Don’t you dare put words in my mouth!  You know I don’t care about that!” He grabbed Jesse’s nubbed arm determined to make a point but Jesse ripped it out of his grip.  He turned from Ward shaking his head, his body trembling.  

“Fine its not my arm,” he finally said angrily. Then he turned to Ward with a sneer.  “Then did you ever think you just might not be bi after all?”

Ward jerked at the statement, his face falling.

“Yeah, maybe you’re just a straight white boy,” Jesse continued, “experimenting with his kinks.  You say you want the dick but when it comes time to play the game you can’t even grab a ball”.

“Don’t do this,” Ward whispered, body frozen and tears freely falling.  “Jesse I love y--”.

“This isn’t love Ward!” Jesse stated plainly and Ward shivered at the words closing his eyes and his fists.  “This, this is… I don’t even know man”.

Ward couldn’t move, could barely breath.  His insides were deteriorating and the blood in his arms was turning cold.  He swallowed through a tight throat, opened his eyes pleadingly at Jesse.

“Don’t do this,” he begged.  Grabbing his backpack Jesse walked past Ward. He grabbed Jesse’s arm.  “Please Jesse, please don’t leave”.

Jesse shook his arm out of the grip.  Taking a deep breath he turned to Ward, his expression softer than before.  “Look Ward, I don’t know what you’re feeling but I don’t think it's love.  And this is stifling both of us.  We just,” he took in a trembling breath, “I don’t think we’re meant for each other like we thought.  This just isn’t enough”.  He walked to the door and paused.  “I’m going to class.  I’d rather be alone when I get back, please”.

Ward tried calling out after him but his voice failed him.  Jesse exited the dorm room without a glance back, the lock clicking.  Ward was in the dark dorm room alone, in more ways than one.

Ward couldn’t take a breath in.  He couldn’t stop swaying.  He knelt down grabbing his hair, the emptiness in his chest weighing him.  He finally forced himself to breath in but it came out like a scream.  He collapsed to the floor propping himself up on one hand while holding his chest with the other.  He fell on Jesse’s bed post leaning himself up against it.  He just needed to breath.  Compose himself enough to get out of this room.  But his world was torn apart.  His insides were trembling and cold.  His legs felt wobbly.  He loved Jesse.  He loved Jesse with all his heart.  He knew it in the deepest part of him.  It was in him like his sinew and bones.  But that love wasn’t enough.  It wasn’t enough to feel it.  He had to perform it.  Perform it in a way he didn’t know how, couldn’t understand how.   _He wasn’t enough._

Ward covered his wet face with his hands, begging the dark to swallow him whole.


	2. Dear Old Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ward goes to see his dad a week after the break up and Harold Meachum is not the most comforting person in the world.

 

    “Ward are you listening to me?”

    “Hmm?”  Ward snapped out of his daydream turning to his dad who was sitting behind the office desk of his secret pent house.  The blonde man tilted his head in annoyance.  He pushed back the leather chair and stood up.

    “Markowitz is primed to take your position and you’re off in la la land?” His dad walked towards the other side of the desk where Ward was leaning.  A small part of Ward remembered to keep eye contact as his body tensed up the way it always did around Harold.

    “Uh, sorry, dad,” Ward said blankly.  He sighed looking at the top of his desk but keeping his peripheral on Harold.  “Just tired”.

    “No, no, that's not it,” his dad chided him leaning next to Ward on the desk, staring at the large flat screen displaying the laptop window.  Harold turned to Ward folding his arms.  “You sound terrible son.  Whats going on?”

    Ward took a sharp breath in.  “Nothing,” he said with raised brows.  

    “Son,” his dad commanded.  “Don’t lie to me.  I’m your father.  I know when you're upset.  Tell me what’s going on?  Because this Markowitz fiasco doesn’t seem to be bothering you as much as it should.”

    Ward stared at the ground his hands folded.  It had been a week. A week of not only emptying out his heart but as well as the drawer of Jesse’s things he kept at his place.  Ward had packed it all in a box which he was going to give to the lobby desk to mail for him.  When he had opened his apartment door to leave that day, ironically, there was a crumpled up box in the hallway, the lid hastily folded over so that he could see his sweater inside.  He and Jesse had had the same idea it seemed.  

    But it wasn’t just the past year Ward was emptying out of himself.  Not just all the late night study sessions, or falling asleep on top of each other on the couch.  Not just the days they ditched class with their friends to use the pool at Ward’s apartment complex, or the weekends drinking and adlibbing soap operas with the television on mute.  He was also emptying what was left of his heart.  Not just what he gave to Jesse but what he could give to anyone else, besides Joy and his dad.  Ward, as he was, was not enough.  Not enough for Jesse.  Not enough for his high school senior girlfriend.  Not enough for his boyfriend the year before.  He realized now it wasn’t his youth or inexperience that was in the way.  It was just him.  It was how he was and he couldn’t push his pathetic self past whatever it was that was stopping him from taking the plunge.  Who would put up with someone like that?  Someone who doesn’t want their dick sucked but can wank it just fine.  Someone who can’t stand the idea of his fingers in a vagina or on a clit.  Can’t stomach any part of him in anyone else or vice versa.  Who would tolerate a selfish, broken, asshole like that?  His throat ached and his temples throbbed as the thoughts occurred but they were the truth.  Day by day he was emptying out that part of him that hoped for anything, anyone.  He was unfixable and unlovable.

    Ward felt the oppressive hover of his dad’s body but he was struggling to find the words.  He took a breath, made himself empty and just said it.  “Jesse and I broke up”.

    Without having to look he knew his dad was smirking and raising an eyebrow but Ward was too empty to even want to react.  He just concentrated on breathing.

    Harold sighed exasperated.  “Jesse, Jesse?  That crippled guy?”

    “Dad!” Ward mumbled annoyed.

    “Ha look, a reaction!” his dad jested knocking Ward’s arms with his knuckles and smiling.  He got up from his spot next to Ward heading back to behind his desk.  “Sorry, sorry, I meant the black kid”.

    “Dad, this isn’t funny!”  Ward turned to his dad who was pulling something out of the bottom desk drawer.  Harold held a glass bottle of dark alcohol as he put his hands up in a mock surrender.

“I know, I know!   _He’s Filipino,_ ” Harold imitated Ward’s voice.  “Jesus you kids can’t handle a little joke.  So PC”.

    Ward threw his hands up in annoyance and turned back to face the screen.  He folded his arms and pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes in frustration.  There was the clinking of glass behind him and his father sighed.

    “Look, I’m sorry,” his dad said.  “I know it hurts. I know it feels like the end of the world.  But one day you’ll see,” he came around the corner and Ward opened his eyes to see Harold offering a glass of bourbon, “it’s all for the best”.  

    Ward took the drink without question.  He stared into the liquid while his dad sat back next to him cradling his own glass.  

    “I know you don’t want to hear this,” Harold continued, “but think of it this way.  Now you have less distractions and you can focus on school and Rand.  I’m sure the board would love to have a Meachum with more than an Associate's degree.  Makes them feel more secure about being bossed around by a twenty year old”.

    “I’m not the boss,” Ward replied after taking a gulp of the drink, shivering at the flavor he still wasn’t used to.

    Harold chuckled at Ward’s reaction.  “Not with that attitude you’re not.  And like I said this is a good thing.  You know if I were back at Rand you could go and get married to whoever you wanted.  But those weren’t the cards we were dealt”.  He put his arm around Ward whose shoulders tensed at the touch.  “I didn’t want to say this before but now that you’re getting closer to graduation you need to think of the future.  Not everyone at Rand is as open minded as you’re old man, especially the board”.  He squeezed Ward’s shoulder and Ward hated that it was the first touch he had the chance to take comfort in all week.  He knew exactly what his dad was going to say and Ward was already ahead of him.  He would never have to worry about what the board would think of his relationships.  There would never be another one.  Ward let his dad continue anyway, too tired to give a damn.

    “Besides, you still like girls.  Consider yourself lucky,” Harold downed his drink in one go.  “At least you can still fuck your wife without gagging, those poor gay souls that came before you.  You can still have a happy marriage-- son you're shaking. Ward!?”

    He thought he was empty, he thought he could listen to Harold and let it roll off his back.  But hearing the words out loud was more than Ward could take.  He was sure his dad was more mad about the spilt glass of  bourbon on the expensive rug than the fact that his son was hyperventilating.  He didn’t even bother to look at Harold as he doubled over sliding to the floor, leaning against the back of his dad’s desk.  He was trying to take a breath but all he could do was wheeze and sputter.  His heart was pounding in his ears and the tears wouldn’t stop.  He rocked back and forth and he could feel his dad grabbing his shoulders.  He could barely hear what Harold was saying but it was angry.  Ward tried to look at his dad who was shaking him but he couldn’t see through the tears.  Then suddenly he felt a snapping smack to his face that threw him on the ground. The pain only made everything worse and now he couldn’t breath.  He was gasping for air.  He heard the pounding of feet moving away from him.  He was alone and dying.  He wasn’t shocked his dad left but panic took over and against his better nature he tried to call out for him.  He needed help.  

Then the pounding of feet returned and a hand was behind his head lifting him up.  A stiff material was being shoved over his mouth and he heard his father yelling a word over and over again.  Ward’s body struggled but he finally took a gasp and it was loud and painful.  The material crinkled over his face as he took another brutal breath in.  And then another. And then another.  Each breath was easing on him and after a few more he was finally cognizant enough to realize the material was a paper bag.  He could see the bleary outline of his dad and feel Harold's hand holding the pouch over Ward's mouth.  The blood in his ears slowed and he could make out the noises around him.

“That's it son,” his dad said.  “Breath”.

Ward reached for his dad’s arm.  He was so terrified all he could think was to grab at his father, wanting his touch, wanting his loving hands around him again, like when he was a child.  It was instinct.  His dad was holding him, helping him, being a dad.  More tears streamed from his eyes as dizziness took over.

“Come on Ward,” Harold said.  “I can’t do this without you”.

Ward’s eyes rolled up in his head and as the darkness consumed him he was grateful it finally complied to his previous wishes.

\-------------

 

Ward stared at the back cushion of the couch where he woke up. He studied the crinkles in the leather and the fibers in the stitching trying to keep his mind blank. He had moved the ice pack that was behind his neck to his chest, holding it there with his right hand. His whole body was limp and he felt like he would never want to move again.  Just rot here and starve on his dad’s couch.  Harold would love it.  Real father-son bonding.

    Harold moved behind the couch finishing up a call.  For a moment Ward thought back to when he was a kid, him and Joy playing their racing video game, little Danny waiting for his turn, and Harold on the phone with Wendell talking business strategies.  Ward wasn’t sure if it was a happy moment he was remembering but it was peaceful, static.

    Harold hung up the phone and moved over sitting in front of Ward’s legs at the edge of the couch, leaning on his own knees.

    “Well, Ward, you certainly know how to scare the shit out of me,” he said.  Ward looked down and huffed at the quip. Harold smirked.  “Listen, I can see you’ve got a lot on your mind right now.  So, uh, sleep it off here tonight.  I can handle Markowitz this time.  But Ward,” he turned putting his hand on Ward’s knee, “I am gonna need you back on your game.  Back at Rand.  So whatever this is, put it behind you.  The sooner the better”.  He patted Ward’s leg.  “Work is a great distraction from heartbreak”.

    Ward heard the words but felt nothing.  He guessed the good thing about the panic attack was that it used all his emotional energy.  Harold stood up from the couch and left.  Ward closed his eyes trying to sleep in this pent house he was starting to hate.  After a moment he felt the draping of a blanket on his body, and his dad patting his shoulder with a sigh.  As Harold walked away taking the ice pack with him, Ward mentally made a plan.  He’d do as his dad said.  Just school work, just Rand.  That's all that was left to do now.  That’s all he was enough for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of people head canon Harold as homophobic and I absolutely respect those Headcanons. I just wanted to try something different.


	3. Moving Forward, Falling Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ward and his younger sister Joy explore an LGBT event at their school but it ends a bit darker than they anticipate.

Two months later

 

“You’ve got to try these rainbow macaroons,” Joy exclaimed holding the treat to Ward’s face.  He smiled at his sister and took it from her hand stuffing the whole thing in his mouth.  

“Is reary goord,” he mumbled through the food accidently breathing out some bits on Joy’s shoulder.

“EW!” she cried and Ward laughed at her as she brushed the crumbs off herself.  They headed to the next booth in the school common area.  This one was advertising drag performances.  Ward swallowed the sweet cookie as Joy grabbed a flier, her mentioning how beautiful all the women were and that she and Ward should get a front seat.

“Yes because I want a sexy man in a sexy dress to give me a lapdance while my sister watches,” he joked as they meandered down the rainbow clad event, booths lining the sidewalks as people meandered from one table to the other.

“They’re not strippers, they’re performers,” Joy informed him, tucking her short hair behind her ear.  She had dyed it a dark brown and for the first time they looked like brother and sister.  “They don’t give you lap dances”.

“Oh,” Ward replied.  They were coming up to a white man in short shorts and a tank top standing next to a cone taller than him, small flags of many colors poking through like porcupine spikes.

“Get your pride flags folks!” the vendor shouted.  “Support men’s shelters with five dollar pride flags.  We got homosexual, lesbosexual, pansexual, bisexual…”.

Joy skipped towards the man as Ward watched her excitingly decide on a flag.  She was estatic to come to this school next year since she was graduating high school early.  He’d never show it but he was more impatient about her attending than she was. He was ready to have someone around who understood him even if she didn’t know everything.  Joy paid the vendor and returned to Ward waving a magenta, lavender, and blue striped flag.

“Did you want to tell me something?” Ward joked.

“Its for you doofus,” she said tickling his nose with the fabric which he flicked out of his face.  “Trying to be supportive of the bisexual community.  Is that okay bisexual community?”

Ward snorted and they continued through the event, watching performances, learning about school clubs, and of course Joy wanted to join all of them.  She could probably run all of them too, Ward thought to himself feeling both extremely proud and extremely jealous.  

They were about to leave for dinner when they came across a booth of people dressed in purple shirts.  Joy went up to the table eager to learn as always and Ward followed her, the little flag sticking out of his back jean pocket.  The booth had a black, white, gray, and purple striped flag in front with the the text reading “A-SEXY AND WE KNOW IT!”  There were fliers and pamphlets and few stuffed toy plants with little happy faces embroidered on them.  Joy would love those.  Heck, Ward loved them.

He started listening to the person at the booth (“Well there’s aromantic, asexual, its a small community but awareness of these orientations is growing. Some people don’t experience…”) when he saw Jesse across the yard.  Ward moved to stand behind a tall banner next to the booth removing himself from Jesse’s possible view. He knew he shouldn’t but he couldn’t help but look at him.  Jesse was helping fold up a booth table a good ways away from where Ward was.  Two guys lifted the table and waved at Jesse, him returning the gesture, when a tall black guy walked up behind him.  Jesse turned and immediately kissed the man.  Ward was stung but an immediate numbness radiated over it as his lids drooped down.  There was no point in being shocked or hurt.  Ward was about to look away and ask Joy to hurry up when he saw the pair make a sudden move.  The guy took Jesse behind a tall banner on their side but before they were completely covered, the guy’s hand latched on to Jesse’s groin who responded by biting his bottom lip.  Ward looked away dropping his head and then just started walking.  He only got ten feet when Joy came sprinting after him.

“Ward, where are you going?” she exclaimed holding a booklet from the booth in her hand.  She took his arm and he turned towards her looking over her head.

“I’m just hungry,” he said blankly.  “Let's, uh, let's go”.  He continued down the path and at first Joy didn’t follow.  Then she came at him again quickly, grabbing his arm and moving him faster down the sidewalk.

“I didn’t see him there, oh my God,” she stated.  “Yeah for sure let's go.  I’m sorry”.

Joy met Jesse a few times.  They got along well.  Like brother and sister.  She said she couldn’t wait to have a new Meachum in the family if that's the surname they took.  Ward screwed that relationship up for her.  Another reason why it's better for him to be alone.  This pain sucked but hurting Joy would be the worst thing he could ever do.  

He wiped his eye with his thumb as they stood in the elevator to their car.  He was holding the pride flag against his leg but he was feeling anything but proud. Joy held his arm the whole time and it was a comfort.  But she didn’t know the whole story.  Just the break up, just the heartbreak over one relationship.  He was too ashamed to tell her the whole truth but he made sure she knew it was his fault.  She said it wasn’t but she didn’t know.  And she never would.

They made it to Ward’s car in the structure as Joy leafed through the booklet.  They entered the vehicle as Ward turned on the ignition.  Before he could put the car in reverse a text went off on his phone.  It was from his dad but he put the name in his phone as 'Work’ to avoid suspicion.  He was about to open the message when Joy made a curious noise.  Ward looked at her and she glanced at him reading out loud from the booklet.

“‘ _ Asexuality’ _ ,” she read. “‘ _ A sexual orientation where the person does not experience sexual attraction’.   _ Hmm,” she nodded.  “‘ _ Though the spectrum is wide and various most ace people may not participate in sexual conduct and/or intercourse _ ”.  Joy nodded again then threw the booklet into the backseat.  “Sounds like these people just need to get laid”.

Ward smiled at the comment when another text message alerted on his phone.  This time from Franklin.  He opened the message from the head of the board and read the words.  Then he read them again.  Then he read them another time trying to get the message through his brain.  His face must have looked shocked because Joy’s voice was concerned.

“Ward whats’ wrong?”

He looked at her and then back at the text.  “Um, it's Markowitz”.

“What did that bitch do now?” Joy said exasperated but Ward shook his head holding out his hand for her to stop.

“Her daughter committed suicide,” he finally said.  Joy looked at him with wide eyes.  “She’s quitting.  ‘ _ Effective immediately’ _ ,” he read from his phone screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally forget that east coast colleges are different from west coast so if you've been to Columbia and my layout description is different I'm sorry I've never left the west coast and I am trash. Also short chapter this time because I'm giving myself time to catch up.
> 
> Follow me at Wardmeachumblog.tumblr.com for more ward content


	4. Papa Don't Preach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harold calls for Ward after a somber press conference. Ward finds a pamphlet of pertinent information. Maybe there isn't something wrong with him.

Ward loosened his tie as he exited his car in the empty parking complex of the art deco building.  He let out a long sigh as he was exhausted from a long day of press conferences only to be asked to see his dad so late at night.  However he complied anyways.  Less thinking for him to do if he just followed orders.

He opened the back seat door grabbing his school bag when he saw the purple pamphlet squished underneath.  He grabbed it to throw it away when he got into the penthouse.  He couldn’t stand a dirty car.  His car had been excessively clean lately.  Unlike his apartment which was littered with books which he blazed through.  He was pretty sure he’d be able to read the entire school library twice by the time he graduated.  He entered the elevator in the gold building leaning against the cabin wall.  He absentmindedly fingered the pamphlet reading over the bent pages.  

_ ‘Asexual: a person who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. _

__ _ Aromantic: a person who doesn’t experience romantic attraction. _

 

__ _ The types of sexual and romantic attractions are wide and various even for those on the ace spectrum.  While lack of a desire for sex is common, some asexual/aromantic individuals still participate in sex consentingly’. _

 

__ The elevator doors opened and Ward rolled up the pamphlet continuing his way to the penthouse.  The information was interesting but he had more pressing matters to attend to.

 

“Ward,” Harold called from his desk excitedly watching his son approach after entering from the elevator.  “Great job at the press conference.  Look at you!”  He gestured to the television which he paused on Ward’s face.  Ward was getting used to giving speeches in front of reporters and stockholders.  He looked at himself on the screen in his three piece suit and tie, hair slicked back.  He was starting to see how much he looked like his dad.  What he found compelling was his eyes.  They were cold and steely.  He liked that.

“Could’ve played down the solemnity though,” Harold continued.  “Bleeding hearts attract the exploitative people.  Can’t have some idiot think they can take advantage of a young CEO”.

“Got it, Dad,” Ward retorted.

“Lose the attitude, son,” Harold replied.  He looked at the pamphlet in Ward’s hand.  “Whats that you got there?”

Ward chucked the booklet in the bin next to his dad’s desk.  “Trash.  From when Joy and I went to that pride event at school”.

“You were supposed to get her meetings with the professors,” Harold demanded.

“We went after she charmed the pants off of DeWitt and Comstock,” he explained.  “Dad she’s practically a student already.  Everything went fine.  She wanted to go have some fun.  She’s still a kid”.

“Don’t talk back!” Harold shouted and smacked Ward hard behind the head.  Ward grabbed at his skull backing away from his dad.  He pulled his mouth shut knowing what would come if he tried to speak up.  He stared at his Dad’s shoes, the pain in his head ebbing.  He was trying to follow orders, do what his dad said, and he still screwed up.

Harold let out a breath as he walked behind his desk changing the screen to some new company reports.  “What’s going on with Rand is too important.  Make sure Joy stays on track.  The two of you are gonna run this company together, that is the plan”.  He was quiet for a minute as Ward cautiously walked to the desk, taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of it.  His head still hurt but he kept his eyes on the screen and his mouth shut.

“Ward you don’t know how jealous I am of you,” Harold finally said.  Ward turned around with pinched brows.  What the hell was he talking about?  “You get to see Joy whenever you want.  I just miss your sister okay.  The Hand, they just make me nervous for her.  Keeping her at Rand keeps her safe.  You have to keep her safe you understand?”

For a minute Ward felt sorry for his dad.  He was stuck here, running a company from behind the scenes, never getting to see his daughter. His best friend and practically adoptive son were both dead.  And all of them being threatened by some criminal organization. It was a tightrope walk and his Dad doing it alone. Maybe under all the cold exterior, that was why he called Ward so often?  Maybe he just wanted to see someone he loved?  

“Did she have fun?” Harold asked concedingly.

Ward blinked and turned back to the screen.  “Yeah, she did.  She wanted to join every LGBT club available.  Knowing her she could probably do it and still get straight A’s”.

“Hmm, you’re sister has stamina and persistence,” Harold responded leaning back in his chair.  “Maybe some of it could rub off on you”.

And with that whatever iota of pity he had for his father was gone.  Did he really think they would bond over each other’s loneliness?  Harold wouldn’t be able to stomach the idea.  Ward allowed the momentary lapse in judgement to fade away from his mind. God he was such an idiot.  Why did he always grasp for his dad?  Why did he let himself forget who Harold was?

“Anyways, did Franklin say what Markowitz thought of the speech,” Harold asked.

“You’re asking me if a woman grieving the loss of her child made time to review your speech?” Ward asked as gently as possible.  He was too tired to take another hit.

Harold shrugged.  “It was a good speech.  You didn’t say it with my typical gusto but you were good enough.  You’ll learn”.

“What did you need from me?” Ward asked trying to force quiet curiosity in his voice.  He just wanted tonight over with.

“It's time to take advantage of opportunity,” Harold stated.  Ward turned around and for the second time that night gave his dad a misunderstood look.  “With Markowitz out of the way your position on the board is guaranteed”.

Ward raised both his eyebrows, pinched in the middle.  He wanted to tell his dad that that was a horrifying thing to say.  But he kept his mouth shut not wanting to set the man off.  Then he noticed Harold’s smile.  It was odd and creepy.  He was… excited.

“Gotta piss,” Ward said heading to the penthouse bathroom.

“With your bag?” Harold asked him from the desk.  Ward didn’t realize it was still across his chest.  Without stopping he took the bag off and left it in his wake.  “Don’t just leave it on the floor, son!”

Ward went into the bathroom and closed the door but didn’t lock it.  Locking it would be suspicious to Harold.  They’re the only two in here and it's not like Harold had a habit of walking in on his only house guest.  Ward sat on the closed toilet trying to keep his breathing steady and quiet.  The way his dad looked, the things he said, the weird timing of all this.  Harold was mean but he wasn’t, he wasn’t evil.  Ward couldn’t help but wonder though, did his dad have a hand in...

No, no way.  Ward shook his head.  He was just tired.  It was a long weird day, he was stressed, he didn’t know what he was thinking.  He took a deep breath and shook the thought from his head as he stood up and used the toilet like he said he would.  

When he returned his dad was at the dining room table reading the pamphlet that Ward threw out.  He pointed to the floor without looking.  “Pick up your mess son”.

Ward followed Harold’s finger to his book bag which Ward put on the couch.  “Dad, why are you reading that? I threw it away”.

“You said Joy picked it up?” he asked turning the page and looking at Ward.

“Yeah,” Ward replied, “then threw it in the back seat.  Its trash”.

Harold took a seat at the head of the table.  “Well, some new literature is always welcome”.  He turned his head back to the booklet.  “...’  _ Does not experience sexual attraction’.   _ Demisexual, cupiosexual, greysexual, my God,” he chuckled.  “All these new explanations for why someone just can’t get laid.  ‘ _ Asexual individuals statistically make up one percent of the population _ ’, Jesus Christ”. He put the book down and laughed joyfully.   “I needed something funny.  These people can’t get out their animal desires and suddenly they need a new orientation to explain their unfortunate lives.  Ha, so pathetic.  We’re humans,” Harold threw the book in the middle of the table, “we can’t help but fuck”.

Ward’s face was neutral the whole time, an expression that was becoming natural to him especially in front of his dad.  Even though his dad was laughing at the words, they lit something in Ward.   _ ‘One percent’.  ‘Lack of sexual attraction’.   _ He was so busy trying to numb his emotions that  the words didn’t click until Harold mocked them.  Ward was curious.  He did everything he could to speed up this meeting with his dad, being extra attentive and compliant so he could go home to his apartment.  He needed to know.


	5. Last Resort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ward gains some headway in his research on asexuality, though there isn't that much to find. He almost loses hope when someone pops in just in time. Maybe someone who could become something more.

Ward sat in the waiting room of the office, trying to prevent himself from shaking his leg. Trying to find this information was a fucking nightmare and here he was on the first substantial precipice waiting for his name to be called by the LGBT group organizer.  He didn’t know what he was hoping to find.  He ran into dead end after dead end.  But he was obsessed.  He thought sometimes that he imagined that pamphlet his Dad read aloud, the one Joy discarded without a second thought. Ward wasn’t brave enough to scrap the pamphlet out of his Dad’s trash, especially after Harold laughed at the whole idea.  Ward thought he was content with knowing he was broken and just living alone.  But those damn words wouldn’t let go of him and they gave him a sliver of goddam hope and he was so fucking pissed about it. Every time he had given up, something in him just kept paddling forward through that pain and he’d eventually come across a smidgen of information.  He checked the library first of course but most of those references were to biology and plant life.  Now he understood those stuffed plants on that booth table.  He called Joy to see if she remembered any information, and to double check that he didn’t hallucinate those people.  She mentioned the name of the junior college they were from, of all the information to remember.  When she asked what it was about he told her it was a case study, homework.  He used that same excuse for every LGBT group he called until finally after two weeks of pounding the pavement he found the only advocacy group who even had the word asexual in their listings.  Maybe the lack of information should be a hint that this wasn’t a real thing.  But he wanted to stop drowning in this numbness, even if it was for just a moment.

“Ward Johnson,” a woman called out to him.  He looked up immediately and she caught his eye, a tall asian woman with turquoise hair cut to her chin wearing a blazer over denim jeans.  “Come on in,” she said with a smile.  Ward returned the expression and followed her into her office. She closed the door behind her and held out her hand for him to shake. “Marsha Park,” she introduced herself.  He shook her hand.

“Thank you for seeing me on such short notice,” he said as she walked to her chair behind her desk.  There were protest signs in the corner of the room.  Behind her desk chair were filing cabinets and there seemed to be every pride flag color possible on the walls, interlaced with framed awards from GLAAD and other LGBT organizations, as well as pictures from events, her easy to spot in either turquoise or pink hair.  

“So this is for a case study?” she asked gesturing to the guest chairs.  He sat down pulling out what little information he had in his file folder he carried everywhere with him these days.  He had two more at home that he filled with copies of everything he found in case anything happened to the one he had with him.  

“Yeah,” he lied expertly.  “Trying to argue a hypothetical sexual assault case.  The ‘victim’,” he put air quotes around the word then noticed how uncaring it looked. “Uh, well that looked awful,” he chuckled nervously.  “The pretend victim has a very specific sexual orientation and the defense is trying to prove it isn’t real.  I’m afraid I might lose this homework assignment though.  There’s next to nothing online about this”.

“A challenge,” Park nodded with a grin.  “Mr. Johnson there aren’t many orientations I haven’t heard of.  You might have just come to the right place.  Shoot”.

He huffed out a laugh.  “Um okay.  So the victim is asexual and the defendant--”

“Oh,” she interrupted him, the smile gone from her face.  Ward’s heart was starting to drop.

“Is that not right?” he asked.  “Is that not a real orientation?”  He sighed starting the numbing process all over again.  “If not I need a new line of defense”.

“You came here because you saw it on our listings,” she said curtly.

“Yes?”

She turned her chair and sighed.  “Look Mr. Johnson we try to be as inclusive as we can at this school but the asexual group…”

“So there  _ is  _ a group?” he asked practically leaping out of his chair.

“Yes there is but come on,” she said with a disbelieving look on her face.  “Really? No sexual attraction at all?  How does anyone live like that?”

Ward was getting pissed.  “Look can you just give me a contact for the group,” he said sternly.

She eyed him but then gave in, looking through her address book and writing down the information on the back of one of her cards.  She handed it to him.  “You might want to look for another angle.  You know, if you want to use facts to win”.

He took the card from her hand.  “Thank you,” he huffed ungratefully.  Right when he thought having an actual human to talk to would make things better he suddenly missed google searching.  At least that information didn’t make you feel like shit for seeking it out.  “Thanks for your time Miss Park,” he stood up looking at the information on the card.  Another dead end, another lead.  This teasing was driving him nuts.  But what else was there for him to do?  Go back to numbing himself?  Last resort.  

_ There is another option,  _ that voice that haunted him came in his head,  _ a more permanent one. _

_ And leave Joy with Harold?  _ He retorted back.   _ I don’t think so. _

Ward turned to leave nearly to the door when it flung open and a woman ran into him, he catching her in his arms.

“Oh my God,” she said backing up holding her hand to her mouth, “I’m so sorry”.

“Its okay,” he said putting his arms down.  “No harm, no foul”.  She had short pale pink hair cut in a faux hawk and wore glasses.  She seemed to be hiding a smirk from him avoiding his eyes for a second then maintained firm eye contact with him.

“Okay good,” she said holding her file folders between her hands.  She shook her head then maneuvered around him staring at Park with daggers.

“Look Marsha, you can’t keep cancelling these meet ups,” she said slapping the files on her desk.

“Lucy, not right now,” she said looking past the woman to Ward.  He awkwardly meandered his way to the door.

“No, fuck him,” she thumbed at Ward who was a little taken aback at being referred to this way, “we’re doing this now.  Why is there no question panel for my group?”

Marsha replied in an indignant tone.  “Really? You guys don’t do anything, what is there to talk about”.

Lucy stood back up clapping her hands together.  “Um okay, so that’s complete bullshit.  Sorry being asexual is a fucking mystery to you but there is actually a lot to discuss?”

Ward was almost out the door when he turned around on his heel.  He looked at the card in his hand.  Lucinda Waters.  He looked up at the woman.

“Lucy?  Lucinda Waters?” he asked.  She turned around doing a double take. 

“Uh, yeah,” she answered noticing him looking at a card.  “What's it to ya?”

“He,” Park interjected with folded arms, “was actually just going to call you.  So look. There’s your question panel”.

Lucy looked from Park to Ward, he giving her an awkward wave.  She smirked at him.

“I have some time in like five minutes if you wanna wait,” she said to him.

“Yeah, definitely,” he said.  “No point in wasting a trip.  I’m Ward by the way,” he held out his hand and she shook it.  

“Okay Ward,” Lucy said looking him in the eyes when she said his name.  “Lucy, please.  I’ll be right out”.

“Cool,” he said backing out of the room and closing the door.  Something in him screamed as he sat back in the chair he waited in before.  Lucy not only ran in defending the word but she said it like it was the most natural thing to do.  He was about to drown and here was a fucking life saver just a few feet behind the door.  Yelling behind the door actually.  

It was six minutes, Ward counting each one of them, before Lucy finally came out the door looking pissed as hell.  She eyed Ward and nodded at the hallway.  “You ready?”

He stood up immediately.  “Yes.  Meeting go bad?” They started walking.

“Actually it went great,” she said angrily.  “I’m just mad I have to fight for this shit, y’know”.  They made their way to the elevator and she pressed the button.  “You hungry”?

“Oh, um,” he started but she interrupted him.

“There’s a tea place that makes great spicy chicken around the corner.  My treat”.  Ward didn’t want to refuse the only source he had.

“Your treat,” he agreed.  They entered the elevator together.  

“So,” she said as it went down a floor, “you're looking up asexuality?  May I ask why?”

“Its for a hypothetical case,” he explained.  “Law student”.

“Oh,” she replied then pointed at her chest, “art student”.

“Hm.  Did you by chance organize the event at Columbia a few weeks ago?’

“Yeah, the booth, pride day.  Collaborative effort.  I mostly just yell at Marsha to let us go to things.  Like I get that she doesn’t get it but that shouldn’t determine whether or not people have this information.  It’s not like we're fucking neo-nazis or something”.

“Oh that’s good.  Got worried there for a second”. She laughed through her nose as they exited the elevator.

  
  


“So basically its categorizing all the ways you can be attracted to people into these nice little boxes.  Its helpful.  At least for some of us”.  Lucy took a bite of her chicken with her chopsticks.  The small restaurant was filled with students on their lunch break.  Ward got himself a tea and some potstickers, the two of them sitting at the end of the festival seating bench against the wall.  He was very aware of the people around them and careful not to out himself.  But Lucy was outspoken and very excited about sharing this information.  

“So you are…” Ward asked rolling his hand pointer finger extended.

“Mm,” she put down her drink after taking a sip.  “Simply put I’m heteroromantic, asexual,” she said holding each syllable of the term between her hands on the table, spreading it out as she went along.  “I feel attraction to men romantically, meaning y’know, dating, kissing, being in an emotional relationship, all that.  That’s fine.  But I just can’t see myself being sexual with anyone.  Not even someone I’m comfortable with or in love with.  Like when I really think about it, really put myself in that situation, my brain just shuts off.  And before you ask,” she held up her hand rolling her eyes, “no I have not been sexually assaulted, and honestly aren’t we all sexually repressed in some way?”.  She laughed as she took a sip of her tea.

“Sounds like you get asked that question a lot,” he said smiling sheepishly.  She folded her hands as she put her elbows on the table.

“It just comes with the territory,” she explained.  “There’s also  _ wait until you meet the right one  _ and  _ do you think you’re husband would appreciate that?   _ Oh that one’s my favorite!”.  She clenched the word with her voice and her hand in the air.  “Yes great, let’s insinuate that all men are sex fiends and that marital rape is okay.  Hooray for life!”

Ward laughed at her.  She was a ham, a cartoon character, complete with brightly colored hair.  He thought she was okay looking at first but the more they talked he was really starting to see how cute she was. Funny always made people more attractive.  And she was so sincere and confident.  It was infectious.  

“Yeah, that gets pretty annoying.  The men being super sexual thing,” he replied.  “It puts this really weird expectation on guys.  And if we don’t meet it, well, then we’re girls.  And that's apparently bad”.  He held his hands out on the last word like it was something scary.

“Hey if being a not macho, super aggro,  _ alpha male _ ,” she groaned and rolled her eyes up on the word, “makes you a girl, then welcome to the club.   _ Here’s ya panties.  Enjoy _ ”.  She threw imaginary underwear at Ward as he chortled at her silly jewish accent.  It was actually quite good.

“Whoa, you should be a voiceover artist,” he said impressed.

“Thanks, I mean I am an animation major, so like,” she held out her hand bouncing her head, “i mean it's nice I don’t have to pay nobody for voice acting but I also can’t do male characters so…”

“Says who?” he asked raising an eyebrow at her.

“Shit, you right!” she waved her hand down at him limp wristed.  “Fuck the gender binary, heteronormative bull, right?”

“Absolutely,” he agreed after taking a swig of his drink.  She laughed at him and he laughed with her.  They paused for a moment, a comfortable silence going on between them.  She shook her head.

“I’m, uh, I’m sorry, we got off topic, sort of,” she said her hand moving swiftly from the back of her head and pointing at him.  She pressed the button on her phone on the table.  “And I have to go to class, I’m so sorry”.

“It’s fine,” he said.  “Don’t want to make you late”.

“That's very nice of you,” she said.  “But did I get you enough info?  I kept going on tangents I’m sorry”.

“Stop apologizing,” he said waving the sorries away.  “Look, if you don’t mind, maybe we could meet again?  I mean this assignment is pretty hefty and there’s only so much I can find online about this stuff”.  He thought he saw her blush.

“Um, yeah, yeah, that’s, that’s totally fine”.  She grabbed a spiral notebook out of her bag and opened it up.  She fingered through the page.  “I have, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday open.”

Ward looked at the calendar app on his phone.  “Thursdays good. Noon?”

“Mm, three?”

“Three's better”.

“Alright, well,” she stood up and gathered her things.  “I’ll see you then Ward?”

“Right, see you then Lucy.  Thanks for everything”.

“No problem”.  They walked out the restaurant together and separated at the door.  Ward was about to head to the street to hail a cab.  “Hey Ward”?

He turned to her she holding her books in her hand.  “Yeah”?

Lucy looked at the ground for a moment then met his eyes.  “If you need some info when this assignment is done, don’t hesitate to call”.  Their eyes locked for a moment and Ward felt very exposed.  His cover story wasn’t very good.  But she was inviting him to contact her.

“Th-thank you,” he replied.  Lucy nodded and headed back to the campus, a spring in her step.  Ward smiled at that as he turned back to the street to hail a cab. He finally found the validation he was craving.  Someone who didn’t make him feel so alone in all this.  But he was so used to being alone.  He couldn’t rely on her to fill that void.  It should be enough to know he’s not the only one who feels this way. 


	6. The First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucy gets the nerve to ask Ward out on a date. But is Ward even ready to step back into this world? Lucy is ace too. But what if she still wants to go all the way?

Ward stood dumbfounded.  “A date?”

“Yeah, is that okay”?

Ward looked at Lucy as he helped her push the chairs back into the table.  They had just finished another Asexual Alliance meeting, reserving a study room at the school library.  This had been the third one he attended and probably the tenth time they’ve hung out. “You want to go out with me”?

Lucy gave him an incredulous look.  “You want to go out with me”?

“I, well, I, hey you were asking me”.

Lucy laughed at him.  “I just like watching you squirm a bit.  But yeah, Ward,” she moved closer to him leaning on the table with her hand.  “Would you like to go on a date with the me this Saturday?”

“Saturday?”  Ward looked down shyly.  They had been hanging out a lot.  Meeting on campus, playing video games at her friend Kathia’s place.  They were a very friendly pair and Kathia was quite fun. But Ward thought they were just being friendly.  He did enjoy being around Lucy, even felt comfortable with her. Was it too soon to move the relationship towards this?  He did like her. But Jesse…

“I’m sorry,” Lucy said as she registered Ward’s hesitation.  “I just, look its okay if you don’t want to. We were getting along, I just, I thought--”.

“Seven”. 

“What?”

Ward took a deep breath.  “I’m available after seven on Saturday. What do you want to do?”

“Oh,” Lucy said blinking.  Ward found that she seemed surprised.  She stared at him for a second then looked to the ceiling.  “I totally forgot what I was going to… um, t-tea. Tea”. She laughed nervously and Ward smiled at her.  “Sorry there’s a tea place, at this shopping center. It’s new. It’s good. Bookshop across the way. Sound like fun”?

“Books huh?”  Ward asked playfully.  “You uh, you know me so well”.

“I try to listen, yeah,” she replied nodding.  “Great. It’s, a date”. She smiled at those words and then at him.  They stared at each other for a moment. Then Lucy grabbed her bag breaking the silence.  “You want me to walk you to your cab? Or--”.

“Sure,” Ward said smiling.  They lived in opposite directions, her with her parents and him in his own apartment.  He didn’t want to take her there though. She talked about her finances often and she would surely be intimidated by his world.  He knew he shouldn’t underestimate her like that, shouldn’t even be saying yes to this date really, but she had a way of making him smile.  He wanted to be around that more, and saying no, well it would mean making her sad. He didn’t want to think about the other reason he said yes.  

They walked down to the building together down to the curb.  He turned to her admiring her for a moment. She turned back and when she registered what he was doing she blushed.  “You know Lucy,” Ward said. “This is a great thing you’re doing, this group. You’re offering a space for people who are confused… and alone”.

Her smile faded into a look of concern, but also understanding.  “Honestly Ward, it’s not from a selfless place. I was tired of being alone in this.  Tired of the weird looks, the misunderstandings, the disbelief”. She looked up at him.  “Honestly that’s what hurts the most. When people think I’m lying or that I don’t know what I’m talking about.  It’s infuriating”.

Ward looked at her, looked at the pain on her face, in her eyes.  For a moment, he recognized it. Recognized it in himself. It was hard to believe, even though she was saying all the things he felt, voicing them out loud, it didn’t feel real.

“It’s nice to know someone understands,” he said.  She smiled at him and waved her hand in the air. A cab pulled up to them and she got the door for him.  He smirked at her. “Such a gentlemen”.

“M’lady, oh, ew, remind me to never say that again,” she joked. “Or soon I’ll be wearing a fedora and talking about how I mastered the blade”.

Ward chuckled at her.  “I’ll see you on Saturday.  Can’t wait”.

“Same”.  He got in the cab.  She closed the door for him and waved him off.  Saturday couldn’t come soon enough.

\------------------------------

They had met at the new tea shop, she wearing a particularly fancier outfit than her usual tee and jeans, though she was still wearing jeans.  She wore a buttoned all the way up collared shirt with a dark cardigan, lots of jewelry and dark eye makeup. Ward wore his favorite casual sweater over a button up shirt and they looked quite the pair.  He a little bit preppy, her a little bit rock and roll. He apologized to her for his safe look.

“Don’t worry, I dig it,” she said grinning at Ward from across the table.  “I like how you dress. It’s always nice”.

“Thanks,” Ward said.  “It’s nice to be appreciated”.

“Of course”.  Lucy paused looking at the table.  It was unusual for her to think before speaking, but this was a date, and even he was nervous.  She looked back up. “So how was work”?

“It was fine, normal day, nothing unusual”.  Ward still hadn’t explained his actual job. Rather he went for a half truth saying he worked in finances.  Plus as much as she tried to seem interested he knew she wasn’t really thrilled by stocks or the money game.  “Although, my secretary-- sorry I mean my co-worker, the secretary, she got some flowers today from her girlfriend.  They were very pretty”.

“Oh what were they celebrating”?

“Their third year anniversary I think.  She’s a little intimidated by me so I had to overhear the conversation rather than get it from the source”.

“Well that's great for them.  I hope it lasts a while. I don’t know how I would feel about getting flowers.  I never know what to do with them”.

“Isn’t it the gesture that counts”?

“Yes, yes, of course,” she said leaning forward.  “It’s just that they last for only a few days and then wilt all over your table and you have to throw them away.  It feels like a waste of a gesture to me”.

“What would you prefer then?” Ward asked leaning in. Lucy blushed, smiling nervously at him.  She was usually so confident but tonight she was more quiet, more restrained in the questions she asked.  She played with the macaroon on her plate before she answered.

“Cookies,” she said with a blush.  “I, I like cookies instead. I mean its food.  I can eat those. Just not raisins. Or lemon”.

“Alright good to know”.  Her eyes went wide at Ward’s answer and her smile even more nervous.  Here they were talking about gift giving on the first date.

“Ahem, so, uh, what about you?” She asked.  “What do you like to receive, as a gesture”?  Her thumb was tapping on the table and her leg was shaking her upper body.  Ward thought over her question and all he could think about were the things Jesse used to give him.  Cookies as well, but also flowers, random cards he would get from the drugstore. Ward shook himself from that train of thought.  He smiled at Lucy from across the table. 

“I don’t know, anything personal, whatever that person would like to give me, I’m fine with”.  He did his best to school his face, but internally he was a little mad at himself. Was he really doing this again?  Dating? He was asking for pain. Yet he didn’t want to leave.

“I see,” Lucy replied.  “That’s good to know, although doesn’t quite narrow it down”.  She picked up her treat and took a bite of the macaroon. Ward watched her and couldn’t help but be reminded of that day at the LGBT event all those weeks ago.  Joy eating her macaroon. And Jesse, Jesse so happy with that guy. But Ward couldn’t do those things. What if Lucy was lying? What if she just thought she was asexual? What if when it came down to it, she would want to--?

“Ward?  Ward are you okay”?  Ward looked up from her cookie and realized from how pinched his brows were that he must looked distressed.

“I’m sorry,” Ward said rubbing his eyes.  He took in a breath and sighed, saddened by what he was about to say.  “Lucy I’m sorry, I, I think this was a mistake”.

She looked at him wide eyed but then her face relaxed.  Like she was expecting this. “It’s okay Ward. I, kind of pegged you into a corner when I asked you.  I get it”.

“No, it's not that”.  He held his hand out but she kept hers in her lap.  “I did want to come out tonight with you. It’s just.  My ex. I don’t think I’m over it. The breakup. That’s not fair to you”.

“But that was months--”.  Lucy stopped herself before continuing.  “No, no it's okay. Ward you take the time to process that.  As long as you need. If this being a date makes you uncomfortable, then it's not a date anymore.  Just two friends having a meal. Unless you need to leave. Whatever you need”.

Ward looked at her a little surprised.  “You aren’t hurt”?

“Ward that doesn’t matter.  I’m a big girl, I’ll be fine.  No, the evening didn’t go as I hoped, but honestly I’d rather you be comfortable than force this.  And, and I don’t want to lose you as a friend. I don’t want this to ruin us”.

Ward smiled sadly.  She was being more than understanding about this.  And she didn’t want to lose him? He had no idea how to react to that.  He wanted to cry. “I don’t want to leave. I like hanging out with you Lucy.  You brighten the room when you walk in. You’re funny. And funny, I need that right now.  I need happy”.

She blushed more than she had the rest of the night.  She looked away for a moment then faced Ward but looked at his cup of tea.  “When you walk in the room, I feel happy”.

Ward smiled shyly at that. “I’m not funny like you”.

“No, you’re sassy.  And I like that. I like that a lot”.  She looked down. “It's okay if you don’t like me back Ward.  Just please stay my friend. I’ll get over these feelings. I always do...”.  She looked down, a solemn smirk on her face. Ward saw pain in her eyes. Old pain.

“Lucy, I do like you.  I like you in that way.  That romantic way”. 

Lucy looked up at him a little surprised.  “You do? Really”?  
Ward nodded.   “But I’ve never dated anyone like me.  I’ve never dated another ace person before”.

“I’ve never dated”.  

Ward stared at her.  “You, you’ve never dated?”

“Nope”.

“Anyone”?

“Nada”.

“How”?

She sniffed a laugh at that.  “Well it just never happened. I never liked someone who liked me back.  Except once and that just didn’t go anywhere. I wasn’t fast enough for him”.

“You mean…”.  
“Yeah, sex.  He gave up on me and went with some other girl.  That was the closest I ever got. Since then, I haven’t really liked anyone.  Until well, you”.

“Me?” Ward smiled incredulously.  “What makes me so special? We haven’t known each other that long, and you asked me out”.

“Yeah but,” she sighed, “I think knowing that you are ace too, I think that helped.  It made me more comfortable knowing that you wouldn’t expect something I couldn’t do on the first date”.

Ward chuckled.  “Honestly, that was what I was worried about too”.

“But Ward, I’m ace.  I run the Asexual Alliance club for pity sake”.

“I know, I know.  I mean, my brain knows, but this, this ritual, dating, it has always involved me getting to that point with partners eventually.  Expecting that as an end goal. And the last relationship, it was a deal breaker for him”. Ward looked down rubbing his hand. Lucy stared at his movement for a minute.

“Ward, did you ever think, that maybe, that was a dealbreaker for you”?

“You weren’t there Lucy.  He broke up with me. Left me standing alone.  I wanted to stay together”.

“I’m so sorry Ward.  I really am. I know you don’t want to hear this but maybe it's for the better”.

“Now you’re sounding like my f--”.  He cleared his throat before he blew his cover, running his hands in his hair.  He almost gave away that his dad was still alive. Holy shit. But also she said what Harold had said, practically word for word.  Maybe that was a sign.

Lucy continued.  “Would it really be worth it, to be in a relationship with someone who you have to sacrifice so much of your comfort for?  I know in my heart of hearts that I can’t do that with someone. I can talk about the process, I can understand why other people feel that way towards another human, but for me, in that position, my stomach clenches up, my heart drops, and all I want to do is not be in that place anymore”.

Ward felt the tears coming.  Shit! That night with Jesse, that night he tried, it was all coming back up.  “Lucy, can, can we get out of here”?

She must have seen the distress on his face.  She gathered her things. “Absolutely”.

Ward stood up as she came next to him.  He looked down at her but avoided her gaze.  His throat was clenching and he wasn’t sure if he could hold back his crying.  “Lucy, can I hold your hand”?

There was a hesitation but after a moment she gently took his hand in hers and he felt an immediate warmth from her touch.  He screwed up his face embarrassed that he was really going to cry on their first date. She didn’t look at him with disgust though.  She just smiled softly and led him out of the cafe. They walked into the warm night air and just walked. Where to, they had no idea.  Ward was just following her, wherever she took him.


End file.
